The day i notice i have stoped painting my nails….

The day that i notice i have stoped painting my nails.But why this silly thing has so much meaning for me? Well that made me realize yhat i also stoped doing my hair, makeup and dreasing  my personal pamper I just never thing about that anymore. I have been here for months and i havent noticed. Doing these things means that i was taking care of myself, that i cared about my aperance and most important i realized that it all had to do with me not loving myself enough to feel like any of the little things that made me happy didnt seem important. To anyone apperance is very important i believe that the way you show the world  is exactly how you feel inside most of the time. Me in a normal week would do my hair, fix my nails, dress nicely just simple little changes makes a big diferrence. We all can do it if we jut try.

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How do you start loving yourself again?

  It all started one day when i realize that im not buying any clothes for myself , im over weight , i didnt fix my hair , never put makeup on and imlove makeup. Didnt colored my nail and all this lasted for over a year i thought i see no point on trying to look cute im fat in not goin to look good. Why try. I am so fat i didnt even know how to start because i have fallen sooo deep that i didnt realize the bigger picture. I have been wanting to start working out and finding myself back but how to start i struggle for months and months. I been searching and searching why im letting myself go i only have my self my body i gotta stop being ashamed of my self or the way i look i gotta stop hidding and start living. One day brain storming I finally realize that i had stop loving myself. How this happend?  Well i started putting everyone in front of me. And letting myself believe i am so depressed to do anything. That laying down and watching tv was better and more interesting than my own life. I pushed away family and friends so i can be lazy. But i didnt realize i needed a big improvement. Re-inventing my self again. I just started again but with now knowing whats wrong amd i am willing to fix it. I have a plan. Is not as simple as ok lets do it it takes time just like any other relationship. Start taking care of yourself compliment yourself ,treat yourself, take some time just relaxing breathing and exploring thing that are calmed. Fix your self get pretty.change your hole state of mind improve and hold life by the horns you only have 1 and we have to enjoy it while we can. It always help compliments from people so flirting is healthy. Dont give up it takes time but when youre there you will feel it and its one of the best feeling in the world. 

Living with anxiety and depression as a mom of 2.

imageHey well little bit of me mom of 2 amazing girls 7 & 1. Life should be so happy so greatfull so freaking amazing well i am all of those and also suffer from anxiety attacks on a daily basis and clinical depression. What i find so ironic is that i know all of these things that i am that i should and shoudnt feel and i still do. Why? I know all the answers to the questions. But still cant explain why i feel so empty inside when i have a great family. At firts i used to feel so ashamed so horribleto explain this to family and friends because i felt like people would jugde and think what they choose is normal for them. Why i coundt be like my friends and just live work be social. Why?? No one ever knew because i cave inside my house and wodnt answer my phone or interact with outside people exept my parents and husband, when my oldest was born i lost my little brother he was 19 due to a car accident he was instantly braind dead … No time to say goodbye or to even wrap my head around this whole thing i didnt cry and was just being a rock for my parents i cant remember much of that time but i remember i wanted to be drunk all the time just not to feel. After almoust a year my own body started bretating me with high blood preassure panic attacks, anxiety, extreme headaches, weightloss everithing at once hit me. I was a mess and i had to still be a mom i cant recall how i did it all but i managed to stay strong thu it all. Because people dont understand how strong you can until you have no other choice same time i was homeless living in a shelter not speaking to my mom and was in a whole new country alone. 3 months passed found a nice apartment and with the help of my therapist got social security approved so was able to support myself. And from there i kept getting better in terms of living situation then my parents came along and my husband. But this depression i cant shake off. Some days i feel like i want to conquer the world and others i wont even get up from bed (well i do but just to feed my girls and watch them) . I have been in therapy all my life and now after 7 years i see the death of my brother not as a answer of why im so depress but i did contribute big time. I am now in a brand new house we recently burchased but still feel the same.